"Home"
She gets her first "boyfriend" at four, but he's not really a boyfriend. He's just a friend, a sweet kid with the biggest crush on her. They hold hands at recess during pre-k, and he sometimes brings her presents. He's the only one who notices that she's always sad, and she thinks that maybe she loves him for that.
They're in the same class the next year in kindergarten, so she continues to be his girlfriend. He kisses her once, just after her sixth birthday. She was upset about something or another,crying against him under the jungle gym at recess, so he reached over and pecked her on the lips. She thinks she loves him for that, too.
When kindergarten is over, she moves to another town, and they are both devastated. She can't keep the sobs from bubbling up on the last day of school, and neither can her. He hugs her gently when she gets picked up from school, and she prays to God that he'll always be there for her. She never sees him again.
In her new town, she becomes very close with a neighbor girl, Heather. They do everything together, and they are seldom seen apart in the neighborhood. They spend the summer swimming and going to Heather's little brother's baseball games. Heather notices that she's sad, and she knows she loves her for that.
First grade comes around, and they are in the same class. They stick together through it all. Lunchtime is always spent at the very end of their class's table, gossiping and giggling about the cute new boy or whatever weird thing their teacher has done. Heather falls of the jungle gym and recess and breaks her arm. She is the one who takes her to the teacher, and she goes to the hospital and holds Heather's hand. Field days come around, and Heather is her partner in the three-legged race. They beat all the other kids. The next day, Heather tells her that she is moving at the beginning of the summer. She cries on Heather's shoulder, then pulls herself together. She's handled this before, after all. Next comes the talent show. Heather sings the Star-Spangled Banner and smiles at her the whole time. The spend their few remaining days together at Heather's house, just sitting on the porch and talking. Heather leaves early one morning without saying good-bye. She never sees her again.
Second grade brings a new best friend in Anna. She loves Anna, but Anna doesn't love her. Anna doesn't notice that she's sad, but that's okay. She misses Heather so much that she needs Anna. They aren't in the same class, but they live across the street from each other. Afternoons are spent at Anna's, playing in her pool or pretending to be Sailor Moon characters. Anna is always Sailors Moon and Jupiter because they're the coolest. Anna's sister takes most of the other characters, leaving her with only Sailor Mercury. That's okay, though. Sailor Mercury is the smartest. Summer comes around, and Anna is preparing to go visit her father in New York. They play in the pool one last time, and Anna's sister takes a picture of them laughing and hugging. She gives Anna a copy, and her heart is broken when Anna says, "I won't show this to my dad. He might think we're best friends." She still misses Anna all summer.
Third grade comes, and Anna suddenly has other friends that she likes better. She still can't help but love Anna. She meets Haley when she asks to borrow a book and Haley says no. They become best friends quickly. They're both avid readers, and they both love animals. They pretend to be wolves every day at recess, and Haley lets her be the pack leader. They win the science fair together with a project about wolves, too. They share chocolate pudding and chocolate-chip cookies every day at snack time, and they read to each other through quiet time. She thinks she loves Haley now, too.
Fourth grade hits, and she and Haley are separated by the long hallway occupied by the fourth grade teachers. They still stay best friends. Haley comes over every other weekend, and they play at the park or at her house. Then she meets Lilly. Lilly is impossibly cool, ridiculously smart, and difficult to befriend. Lilly is closed off and sad, just like she is. She starts spending time with Lilly, and soon, they are very close. She's already lost a few close friends, and Lilly knows that. Lilly doesn't mind when she pours her heart and soul into their friendship. In fact, Lilly does the same. She loves her for that.
Fifth grade and sixth grade and seventh come and go without much incident. Lilly and Haley meet, and they all become close friends - the golden trio. She doesn't lose anyone she loves for three years, and that surprises her. She finds she quite likes having people she can count on.
Then eighth grade comes, and her world is shaken terribly. She has all her classes with either Lilly or Haley, and one with both of them. They make up nick names for each other, and the pass notes that talk about nothing all through the day. One day, though, she accidentally intercepts a note from Haley meant for someone else. She cries for hours with Lilly after they read the contents.
"Can you believe how stupid she and Lilly are? I can't believe they're in gifted classes."
"Her mom hits her? Did you know that? She told me. I can't believe she thought I'd keep that secret."
"She has a crush on Tyler. We should tell him. He'd laugh."
"Lilly is ridiculous. She thinks she's so cool, but everyone hates her."
"I wonder how easy it'll be to make them cry. She cries all the time, but Lilly doesn't. It'd be funny if we could get her to."
"I wonder if they'll realize they have no friends. They just have each other. The two losers are stuck together. Ha."
She never says anything to Haley about it, and Haley never says anything to her or Lilly. But they know she knows. They just know. Haley still tries to play best friend, passing her notes in class with their nicknames. Laughing at the stupid student teacher in math class, gossiping about whoever just broke up and who just go together, whatever it is, it's all one-sided. She stops putting up with Haley, and she's surprised that Haley keeps trying so hard. She clings to Lilly like her last lifeline, and Lilly lets her. Lilly knows she's the stronger one in the friendship, knows how fragile she can be. The notes the pass now center around serious things - their friendship, Haley.
"I know she hurt us, Lilly, but I miss Haley."
"I feel like it's wrong to want her back."
"I hate her a lot of the time."
"I still love her some of the time."
They stop talking to Haley soon after that, and by the academic contests at the end of the year, it's just her and Lilly against the world. The contests are on the weekends, so she and Lilly have sleepovers to prepare. She giggles when she realizes that Lilly talks in her sleep. They go to the first contest, and she and Lilly both win their events. It's the same at the second contest, and the third. At the fourth contest, she wins again, but Lilly doesn't place. Lilly cries. She feels guilty. At the fifth and final contest, Lilly is nervous and panicky, doesn't want to fail again. So she prays, she prays that Lilly place in her event, even if it means that she has to lose. Her prayers are answered. She doesn't place, but Lilly wins. She's not the least bit upset. She's all smiles, hugging Lilly and going on and on about how proud she is, how happy she is. Lilly gives her a watery smile. She doesn't think she can ever stop loving Lilly.
High school comes. She finds journalism. Lilly finds boys. She hates that she is forced to sit idly by while Lilly is hurt time after time by boy after boy. She is happy for the first time in awhile, though. Journalist is a good look for her. She meets Paige and Nikki, newspaper girls older than her by two years and one year, respectively. She learns everything she knows about newspaper from leaning over Nikki's shoulder, and she soon sits high (third) on the chain of command of the staff. She comes to love Nikki, too. Paige is a completely different story. They clash. Badly. She thinks Paige hates her. The paper gets better and better with each issue, though, and Paige takes her out to dinner to celebrate. Paige, she realizes, adores her. They're so alike. They love all the same thing, have similar personalities. Paige sees so much potential in her, and she pushes her harder than anyone else. She loves Paige for that.
It's in her closeness with Nikki and Paige that she realizes she's losing Lilly. Lilly becomes distant, stops telling her everything. Of course, she goes to Paige in her sadness, and Paige comforts her, encourages her to talk to Lilly. She does, and they have it out.
"You left me for those newspaper girls!"
"Yeah? Well you left me for one bad boyfriend after another."
"How can you claim to be my best friend if you're never there for me? I'm always there for you."
"You know what Lilly? I can't be there for you if you refuse to talk to me. You're there for me because I let you in."
They crumble. They needed to have it out. They cry together, and renew their friendship. They go back to weekly sleepovers and movie nights. She puts up with Lilly's weird rap music, and Lilly puts up with her ridiculous affinity for showtunes. They eat twizzlers and watch horror movies and go bowling. Lilly does her hair and tells her all about each and every boy. She still doesn't think she can ever stop loving Lilly.
Newspaper becomes her life. Well, newspaper and Lilly. She stays after school until 8PM on deadline days, but she loves it. She thrives on the work, on writing the stories and designing the pages and interviewing the random strangers. She thrives with Paige and Nikki at her side, eating pizza and making up stupid headlines when they're tired, playing showtunes from Pandora as loud as they can because no one else is in the school. They talk about Glee and StarKid while they work. They giggle and gossip about the other staff members.
Then Paige graduates, and it's down to two. She finds that she clashes with Nikki without Paige as a buffer. They fight, and she always, always lets Nikki win. She loves Nikki too much to do otherwise. Paige listens to her after every fight, comforts her, tells her to stand up for herself. She never does. Instead, she throws herself into the paper, determined to make it the best it could possibly be. She goes out with Paige at least once a month. They chat about nothing and everything, and that's her saving grace. She loves Paige almost as much as she loves Lilly.
Nikki graduates, and she's suddenly a senior in high school. She's the editor of the paper now, and it's a very defining thing to her. She sees herself as the newspaper editor: that girl who loves StarKid and showtunes, Lilly's best friend. The last part is because everyone loves Lilly, but no one really knows who she is until she interviews them. She throws all her passion into the paper, giving it her all, not caring about anything or anyone (except Lilly and Paige). Paige visits her one day and sees the paper. She squeals and hugs her, goes on and on about how "I knew you could do it. You're great, you're so talented. You're just like me. You're my mini-me, my little sister." Paige knows she needs that, and she is eternally grateful.
Senior year comes to an end, and it is met with a few tears, but not many. The only things left at the school that she cares about are the newspaper and Lilly. She's leaving the paper behind, and she's not sure the new editor can do it, but she's taking Lilly with her. That makes it okay. Paige is at her graduation, smiling proudly the whole time. She plans to attend the same university as Paige in the fall, taking on the big bad world on journalism together. When Lilly and Paige hug her at the end, full of smiles and exclamations of pride and joy, she realizes that the sadness she felt as a child is gone. She's found her home.
